Maggie’s Acceptance Speech for the Best Derivative Sitcom Screenplay Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so blessed! And this statue – it’s so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest quiet times, I never would have imagined that this could ever happen to me. And to the other second-rate nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your jealousy makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take a Xanax and obsess about how great my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special.
You know, there are so many obsequious little people to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the senile old bats of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my life. And to my sister, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the personal assistants I fired – I couldn’t have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
Be prepared – get your acceptance speech here.

Oh, all right. Sheesh

Via Clare:
Last Cigarette: 205 days ago! Yay, me!
Last Alcoholic Drink: last night (Moosehead).
Last Car Ride: Yesterday afternoon, to Canadian Tire and back.
Last Kiss: last night
Last Good Cry: honestly, don’t remember. There have been many movie-induced tears, however.
Last Library Book checked out: Jack Maggs, by Peter Carey. I didn’t finish it.
Last movie Seen in Theatres: Spiderman II
Last Book Read: Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown (author of The Davinci Code. Currently reading The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.
Last Movie Rented: 13 Going on 30.
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Fucking. But I blame our misadventures with our dishwasher.
Last Beverage Drank: Breakfast shake – OJ, slimfast, whey protein and peaches.
Last Food Consumed: ditto
Last Crush: Football players practice outside my office window. I’m fickle.
Last Phone Call: The Gazette, to cancel my subscription. They must have known, because they didn’t answer.
Last TV Show Watched: Scrubs
Last Time Showered: in just a few minutes, I swear.
Last Shoes Worn: Clarks wedgie sandals.
Last CD Played: “Me & Mr. Johnson,” Eric Clapton
Last Item Bought: Dish rack and drainer – hence Canadian Tire, and the conclusion to the dishwasher story.
Last Download: Flash, in order to play live video of new dishwashers. It’s like appliance pr0n.
Last Annoyance: Sour milk.
Last Disappointment: No coffee, given the sour milk
Last Soda Drank: Gingerale.
Last Thing Written: Comments on student papers.
Last Sleep: Last night.
Last Weird Encounter: My friend’s dog, who made very interesting sounds and puffed fur at us for no apparent reason. We tried food, belly scratches, water, out, in… it turned out what he really wanted was our hot chocolate.
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Don’t remember – yay, me, again!
Last Time Amused: Just now, because Colin is taking the verb quiz I gave my students on Friday – and he’s doing better than they did.
Last Time Hugged: last night, by a sleepy Robert.
Last Time Scolded: Yesterday – apparently I overreacted to the fact that our $%#$&^# dishwasher is $%#$&^# broken.
Last Time Resentful: Aside from the usual resentment at skinny people and bad drivers, I can’t really remember.
Last Chair Sat In: couch.
Last Underwear Worn: White thong.
Last Bra Worn: Peach-coloured Body bra from Victoria’s Secret. Really.
Last Shirt Worn: blue and white t-shirt.
Last Webpage Visited:

Coffee break

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe

But don’t think plain – instead think, uncomplicated
You’re a low maintenance kind of girl… who can hang with the guys
Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that’s you: the friend everyone invites.
And you’re dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear.

What Kind Of Coffee Are You? Take This Quiz 🙂

Via Bill

All that white space was bugging me

Ok, I know I just did this, with another list – but this list is different, I swear.
Via Mellow Kitty, blork, etc.
Same premise as last time – bold means I’ve read it, more or less. I’ve coopted blork’s refinements, which means that if it’s blue I’ve seen the movie, and if it’s bold blue it has been both read and seen.
1984, George Orwell
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
The BFG, Roald Dahl
Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
Bleak House, Charles Dickens
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
Bridget Jones’s Diary, Helen Fielding
Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
Catch 22, Joseph Heller
The Catcher In The Rye, JD Salinger
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky
David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
Dune, Frank Herbert
Emma, Jane Austen
Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
The Godfather, Mario Puzo
Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
His Dark Materials trilogy, Philip Pullman
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
Holes, Louis Sachar
I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
Katherine, Anya Seton
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, CS Lewis
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
The Lord Of The Rings, JRR Tolkien
Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blighton
Magician, Raymond E Feist
The Magus, John Fowles
Matilda, Roald Dahl
Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
Middlemarch, George Eliot
Midnight’s Children, Salman Rushdie
Mort, Terry Pratchett
Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
On The Road, Jack Kerouac
One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Perfume, Patrick SuskindPersuasion, Jane Austen
The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen
The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
The Ragged Trousered Philantrhopists, Robert Tressell
Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier
The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret History, Donna Tartt
The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
The Stand, Stephen King
The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
Tess Of The D’urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
The Twits, Roald Dahl
Ulysses, James Joyce
Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
War And Peace, Leo Tolstoy
Watership Down, Richard Adams
The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame
Winnie-the-Pooh, AA Milne
The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte