Maggie’s Acceptance Speech for the Best Derivative Sitcom Screenplay Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so blessed! And this statue – it’s so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest quiet times, I never would have imagined that this could ever happen to me. And to the other second-rate nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your jealousy makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take a Xanax and obsess about how great my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special.
You know, there are so many obsequious little people to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the senile old bats of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my life. And to my sister, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the personal assistants I fired – I couldn’t have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
Be prepared – get your acceptance speech here.

Out of the mouths of babes

My nephew Simon, who is three and whose sister, Elizabeth, is pretty much brand new, asked his dad why Elizabeth has no penis. Zip told him that because Elizabeth is a girl, she has a vagina instead.
Simon, whose other auntie has just returned from the Far East, now thinks that if you’re a girl, you have a “China.”
As is, the Great Wall of China.
Company’s coming – get out the good china. It’s in the china cabinet.
This china’s been in the family for generations – it used to be my grandmother’s china…
Made in China.
You get the idea.

Culled from this morning’s headlines

Convicted felon from LA hospitalized with frostbite – the gentleman in question was attempting to walk from North Dakota to Winnipeg in order to take a bus to Quebec to meet a woman he has fallen in love with over the Internet.
Of course! Beer school! About time, frankly: “The Labatt Beer Institute, which officially opened in Halifax’s Brewery Market complex on Wednesday, will train students on everything from the history of beer to matching beer choices with different foods, to how to pour it properly.”
Apparently he plans to embarrass them to death – Lindsay Lohan’s father, according to the divore papers: “O.J. Simpson has nothing on me,” [he] allegedly told the family’s security guard last year. “I know exactly how I’m going to kill (them). I know when I’m going to do it, and I’m going to enjoy it.”
Police help victim bite dog!
It’s official – Jlo and that guy who isn’t Ricky Martin are indeed married. After months of speculation on the part of the very few people who still care, Jennifer has finally admitted it. Maybe they were waiting for the media to come up with some way to refer to the couple – after all, ‘Marc Anthoniffer’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?
And the discovery of the day: Mary Ellen Lang, a self-described “mom, grandma, writer, teacher, gardener, and equestrian,” is now writing a regular column on education for CBC on-line. Her latest topic is the decline of punctuation.

Information! Get yer information here!

Interesting things are afoot down south.
Senator John Cornyn, a Republican from Texas and a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, and Senator Patrick Leahy, a Democrat from Vermont, have introduced new legislation concerning the Freedom of Information Act – including a special mention of bloggers:
The Cornyn-Leahy legislation is not just pro-openness, pro-accountability, and pro-accessibility – it’s also pro-Internet. It includes a hotline enabling citizens to track their requests, including Internet tracking, and grants privileged FOIA fees for bloggers and writers for Internet outlets, providing the same status as traditional media.
Great! Now hand over them Nixon tapes, please.

Well, that’s one way to solve the problem

Regular readers (strictly in the “you come here often sense”) will no doubt be familiar with my trials and tribulations when it comes to my laptop.
Phase I – all is right with the world, birds are singing, everything is shiny and new, etc., etc.
Phase II – ok, things are not so shiny and new, and are frequently not visible at all
Phase III – hope springs eternal
Phase IV – hope, not so much. Maggie vs FutureShop and emachines and the whole evil empire, just about
Then there was a part number, then there wasn’t, then the part was ordered, then it wasn’t…
Last week, a colleague’s student confessed to working at FS – and said that emachines has been taken over by Gateway, and as far as he could tell, it would be relatively easy to get a part, and that he’d bring it to my office and install it!
Which is why, I assume, the hard drive crashed without warning yesterday morning.
Well, the heck with that 😛

My name is Margaret

Literal meaning
“The big tree next to the other equally sized tree.”
Taken from the underworld slang for “Stop kicking me to death, I left the money with friends” on the eve of a Tuesday, the name Margaret was originally used ineffectually to refer to unsettlingly enthusiastic night soil collectors, before undergoing surgery by Government linguists.
Famous Margarets
1. Margaret Nightdodge, exposed in the press as having swapped a child for the world’s sturdiest box; first holder of the office of Queen’s Own Loan Shark;
2. Margaret du Happenstance, who discovered the lost consonant of Atlatis;
3. Margaret F Lilly Li, BA, MD, champion of a nice cup of tea;
4. Margaret M de Millington, first victim of the self-propelled gardener;
5. Margaret du Jesus-Thews, aroused by demanding money with menaces;
6. Chief Scientist Margaret Tube, who could never shake an early association with the definitive manual on drowning; first holder of the office of Gross Miscarriager of Justice;
7. Margaret Tidecatcher, of the generation which fondly remembers Britain’s standards; first holder of the office of Chancellor of the Eggs Checker;
8. Margaret du Tinkermouse, who lost a fortune on several of the more violent gypsy curses;
9. Margaret Sprokes, opponent of the concept of acceptable losses;
10. Margaret de la Grating, named in court as holding compromising material concerning Paul McCartney’s Wings; ghost-writer of Lady Macbeth’s poorly bound autobiography, FEAR MY MOP; first holder of the office of Lord Mayor’s Official Stenciller.
Typical Margaret motto
“A draughty child is always better shut up.”
The Name Meaning Generator, via Dina