December 2002 Archives

Encounters with the Fat Man

Today was Robert's Christmas party. After the party, I took the kids with me to the mall to do some last-minute shopping. Santa, who had already made an appearance at the school party, was at the mall, too, so we stopped to say hello.

First Robert sat on his knee, then Colin, and then Santa said "Maybe Mummy would like something from Santa too - would Mummy like to sit on my lap?"

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he's a dirty old man. I said no, thank you. Does this mean I'll be getting coal in my fishnets?

What happens when the mice are away?

Andrew was in Toronto all week for IBM Oracle training. Since I was scheduled to teach in Boucherville at the beginning of the week, the kids stayed over at Magdalena's (their former full-time nanny) until Wednesday. So Tuesday night, thinking I had an opportunity to catch up on my sleep, what with having the house to myself and the bed to myself, too, I went to bed nice and early.

The cat meowed for an hour after I went to bed.

The radio went off in the morning and I rolled over, thinking "I feel like I've had no sleep" (or as close to that as one's brain can think on no sleep). I looked up at the clock - to find the cat sitting on top of the radio, and that it was 4:15 a.m.

The following night, with the kids snug in their own beds, the cat was silent all night. So apparently her attempts at communication on Tuesday were meant to let me know that the kids were missing, and how come I wasn't doing something about it. She's a weird, weird animal.

I guess it serves me right, since while Andrew was away, I cheated. That's right, I confess... I had chicken stew at home Tuesday evening. Since Andrew is vegetarian, based on his aversion to animal cruelty, our home is supposed to be meat-free. So I felt a little guilty eating my can of stew... on the other hand, as I told him when I confessed, I am pretty sure the chicken in question died of old age, so perhaps the stew was chicken-friendly. On the other other hand, given his feelings about animal cruelty, it's a good thing he wasn't around at 4:16 Wednesday morning.

Now it's the weekend, everyone's home safe and sound, and life is back to normal. Whatever that is.

My favourite is SARCHASM

Courtesy of Cameron and Paula:
The following were some recent winning entries in a Washington Post word definition contest.

1. Coffee (n) a person who is coughed upon
2. Flabbergasted (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj) impotent
6. Negligent (adj) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
7. Lymph (v) to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n) an olive flavored mouthwash
9. Flatulence (n) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n) a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle (n) a humorous question in an exam
12. Rectitude (n) the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you
13. Oyster (n) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions
14. Circumvent (n) the opening in the front of boxer shorts
15. Frisbeetarianism (n) the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there
16. Pokemon (n) a Jamaican proctologist

The Post also invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are some of those winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose getting laid (e.g.: "I'm a doctor...")
4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high
5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it
6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness
8. Ostepornosis: A degenerate disease
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everbody is sending off all these really bad vibes right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Glibido: All talk and no action
11: Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
12. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

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