Maggie’s Acceptance Speech for the Best Derivative Sitcom Screenplay Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so blessed! And this statue – it’s so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest quiet times, I never would have imagined that this could ever happen to me. And to the other second-rate nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your jealousy makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take a Xanax and obsess about how great my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special.
You know, there are so many obsequious little people to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the senile old bats of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my life. And to my sister, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the personal assistants I fired – I couldn’t have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
Be prepared – get your acceptance speech here.

3 Replies to “Maggie’s Acceptance Speech for the Best Derivative Sitcom Screenplay Oscar:”

  1. This confirms my theory that there is a site for EVERYTHING.
    And on the subject of the Oscars, I’m stunned that Johnny Carson got his own tribute reel but Marlon Brando just got a few more shots than everybody else at the end of this year’s Dead People reel. I ain’t knocking Johnny but isn’t hosting the Oscars throughout the late 70’s and early 80’s at least as important as re-defining the craft of film acting?
    And let’s not even get into the fact that Spalding Gray didn’t even make the cut at all.

  2. Wasn’t SG last year? We didn’t watch, given that we’re never up-to-date – if there was a DVD award show, we’d tune in 😉

  3. SG dissappeared before last year’s Oscars but his body was found just after last year’s Oscars. Generally, they seem to go by the “if the person died between last year’s and this year’s telecasts” rule. So maybe he was left out as the result of some kind of technicality.
    Also, it just occurred to me that the Academy might still be pissed over Brando turning down his Godfather Oscar. Maybe they saw this as their chance to have the last word on the subject.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *